RIP David Wayne Keiper
"Today we lost a member of our learning community"Fuck you mister Lauff! We lost a brother, a lover, a son, and a friend. You know nothing of loss...
I wrote his name in perminant marker on my hand because I suck at spelling to people out loud, but its been a haunting reminder that the life of one of my friends is gone, and the soul of another is forever changed. Kevin will NEVER be the same, you dont just walk away from the death of a sibling. I was a dickface to come to UR with Lauren so I could get my lip pierced, but I was a shitty friend to know that I wouldnt be there for him, Their was a vigil at the Keipers house (horrible idea I thought) and I called Hillary. She said he was doing "Ok". What the hell do you know of Ok hillary? Im losing it. None of my friends are able to see below the surface. He will never be ok, I am not ok. You guys know NOTHING of death and dying, loss and suffering. I have suffered for almost everyone of my friends, and gotten nothing in return. But this isnt about me... in a sense. Whenever I allowed my mind to drift away from what I was doing, I found myself tearing up and thinking, how is Kevin doing without his brother? Dave was such a wonderful guy. I lasted until 5 period, then it finally hit me. I didnt think the accident was that serious, I was so stupid. I went down to talk to ms ohara, the guidance counselor (really good at her job), and she told me all about it because she knows Ive been through shit before. She said hed been on life support and they were debating whether or not to pull the plug. Id known hed been really badly burned, but I had no idea what was going on really. He was dead, there was no hope, yet everyone still believed and I kept my mouth shut. In a way Im no better than any of my friends. Im a hypocrit. Last night Rachel told me hed gotten in an accident and I just laughed it off "Silly Dave, hell be alright." He was pulled out of the car without any burns but his car blew up right after. He had a crushed windpipe and his lungs were filled with blood. He was pronounced dead when the ambulences got there but they revived him and mercy flighted him to Strong hospital then taken into surgery for his brain because he fractured his skull in 3 spots, but sure, he'll be ok. He's only burned everywhere, but he'll pull through guys I know he will... He's too young to die. STUPID ALLIE! You shouldve been there for Kevin. Hes your best fucking friend, and what did you do? Go to school like a little puppet. When Jamie was in the hospital, who was there? NO ONE. I was all alone with my beautiful sister whom no one knew had been hurting. My whole school is full of liars and wanna bees. They dont know true pain until you lose a sister, or a brother in Kevins case. I wanted to drink myself retarded, but theres no way I could do it here. Im not even at home or around friends (except for my sleeping sister). I just want to go home and get a labotamy. Forget everything instead of being this army brat who puts up a strong front, and forgets about all the traumatic things that have happened to her and move on like nothings happened. Thats why Im so miserable. I want to be the one there for everyone but I have no one there for me. I want to be able to have these emotions without feeling the need to supress them. I want to feel. I want to love and hurt and be able to save the world but I FUCKING CANT! Thats my problem. I cried so hard today, but it wasnt just for Dave, or Mason, or Mr. Whitey, or Kevin, or the Kiepers. It was for me and all of them at once, and after 2 or so hours (oh how it seemed likes so much more) I could cry no more tears no matter how much my mind wanted too. I was dehydrated, and dead inside. I want to see Kevin, to talk to him and hold him. To tell him sweet little lies like how everything will be okay and that I want to help him through this. I really do want to help him through this, thats no lie, but I want him to remember the brother that he had. I dont want him to move on like MrHollembaek said, but I dont want him to dwell on it like Im doing now, I want him to feel so he wont be cold inside. I him to be whole again, but I know that will never happen. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do you people pray for god to save him, then lose him, and pray for god to watch over him in heaven? How can these people keep their faith knowing that its all a lie? God doesnt exist. If you want to blame anything, blame physics for causing the cars impact to shatter their bones, and blame biology for making the body so weak and no technology that could save this man. Or blame yourselves for something. I sure am. I will blame myself in every idle moment for not being a better person. I was less than nice to Dave when he was around because I was busy dealling with my own shit. Dave, one of the all around greatest guys in the world is now gone. Im emotionless right now. Typing this with my empty self, because I am as lost as Kevin must be right now. His parents better not forget that they have another child to raise, or Ill lose it. There I go lying again. I wouldnt do anything except care for Kevin more than I do now. I love him so much, but being antisocial I suck at expressing myself. Kevin deserves all that he works hard for, but he did not deserve this. No one deserves this. Fuck! Im stuck here all alone and none of my friends give a rats ass. In their own little dream worlds while I sit alone and mentally abuse myself until I block out all memories of Dave from my cold hearted brain. I have no idea what to do. Im just as lost as those that are so far gone....
David Wayne Keiper 9-23-04 I didnt get to say goodbye
"And thats it. He fell, and I went on and thats just the way it goes"
Mood:
Devestated and utterly destroyedLabels: Save
contemplated existance at 11:48 PM
