one year
i wrote a story in honor of my one year anniversary tomorrow. tiny little thing, but you can go read it if you want. i cant believe its been a year since i shot up, branded, cut, or stabbed myself. it was such a hard time, but looking back on it, it was never worth it. theres never a good reason to hurt yourself no matter what shit youve been through or how much is wrong in your life. looking back i only made it worse. now instead of being a masochist as punishment for what i thought i did wrong, my punishment for being a masochist is having to explain to the people that love me what i did. i will carry these scars forever, and i have to deal with that. i was lucky to have people that cared for me enough to make me realize that i dont have to do that shit. convince me to stay alive alittle longer and not make presumptions that the rest of life will be as hard. i have people to talk to or i can have a good fucking cry. god, i cant believe how i didnt cry since like my freshman year, then all of a sudden im bawling on hillary's shoulder. times like these make me miss her because i know she really did care for me. i fought with her because i thought she was getting something out of "saving me"... but she is a good person, and thats another regret that ill have to live with. and thats growing up, knowing where to draw the line. this has been the best year of my life in williamson, and i owe it all to my sister and my friends. i said i regret hurting myself... but i dont. i learned from it, i fucking enlightened myself. there are only so many things that you can experience in life... and i did them in one year. people do the shit i did last year all the time, but they dont have people to care for them and tell them they deserve better. difference is i almost died... but i didnt and i had to suffer the aftermath. coming back from that is worse than any death, but mostly on my parents. i felt horrible about that. all my fuck ups, all my mistakes. theyve always been there. and there i was dying right in front of them. what a horrible thing to do to your parents, to anyone. ive seen death, and i shouldve been more considerate knowing someone would find me. its a horrible situation. i hope to god none of my friends ever have a drug problem, because its not fair. i was unfair. i treated everyone like shit and dug myself a big fucking hole. and for that im sorry. not for anything else. im through appologizing. ive paid my debt and im clean. and im fucking happy. thats more than enough for anyone. next year i get to leave this all behind. my baby knows im clean and anyone who doesnt accept me because of my external wear and tear doesnt deserve to know me. plus i dont need to beat myself up tryin to get anyone to like me. if you need help, ask. ask anyone you love or me if needbe. dont be a cunt like i was.
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contemplated existance at 3:09 PM
