9.26.2005

10:15 PM

story time

i found this convo with joe i had awhile ago. it was such a humorous little snippet from the depressing night


oeiaiao (1:20:31 AM): Tell me the saga of Allie Dorn.
usagioop (1:21:13 AM): ooooh, thats a big sad story with a happy ending, so well just leave it at that
usagioop (1:21:25 AM): it got messy and obviously some people couldnt handle it
usagioop (1:21:57 AM): but the few who did stick around are the ones thatll always be there
usagioop (1:21:58 AM): thee end
oeiaiao (1:22:03 AM): Pfff, lame.
usagioop (1:22:16 AM): =-O
usagioop (1:22:18 AM): hahaha
usagioop (1:22:21 AM): ill show you lame
usagioop (1:22:25 AM): with a mirror!
usagioop (1:22:26 AM): oooooooo
oeiaiao (1:22:30 AM): Oh snap.
oeiaiao (1:22:35 AM): I can't believe you went there.
usagioop (1:22:42 AM): oh
usagioop (1:22:44 AM): i did
oeiaiao (1:22:47 AM): I saw you signal to turn, but I just didn't think you'd go.

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contemplated existance at 10:15 PM

9.08.2005

12:32 PM

such and such

ok, i thought i had class at 1, but i dont, so ill tell you about my two weeks at RIT. but i dont really feel like it, so im gonna make a list then fill in what i want. and quotes just cause theyre funny.

List:
-cart
-greg
-prolly top artist here
-epiphany
-NRH floor 5 rivalry with CSH
-party
-brockport
-workin @ sol's


Stalker:
so my stalker found me again. heres our convo. you can flame him if you want, i dont care. ive got it so people not on my buddylist cant talk to me.

Rick8675: hey
usagioop: hey, who is this?
Rick8675: rick
usagioop: rick...
usagioop: sorry, doesnt ring a bell
Rick8675: its been a long time
usagioop: give me a hint then, i obviously dont remember
Rick8675: ius to chat with you i am 20 from ny
usagioop: kusagioop: so, can i help you?
Rick8675: well i guess not unless you whant to talk
usagioop: im in college now, i dont really have time for people i "use to chat with", especially if i dont even remember you
usagioop: sorry
Rick8675: its cool
usagioop: wait, no im not
Rick8675: were you from (note his horrid spelling for a 20 yr old)
usagioop: i believe i just said i dont have time for this, not ask me questions
Rick8675: ok have un (again)
usagioop: yea, you too, stalker
Rick8675: fuck that
Rick8675: what do you mean by that
Rick8675: you im me
usagioop: uh... no i didnt
Rick8675: ok peace
usagioop: uh... i dont think so
- - - - - next day - - - - - - -
Rick8675: hey
usagioop: wow, is your head that thick? i dont want to talk to you
Rick8675: well fuck you bitch
Rick8675: i forget who is who
usagioop: well then take me off your buddy list, stalker
Rick8675: so ill just take you off peace have a fabulous night
usagioop: shouldnt have been a problem
Rick8675: i am not no stolker you bitch
usagioop: you keep telling yourself that
usagioop: youve kept me on your buddy list for a year
usagioop: like the loser you are
Rick8675: you should saty out of the chat rooms (again!)
Rick8675: rick milgate ring a bell
usagioop: so youre admitting that youre a creepy weirdo that goes in chatrooms? i havent been in one like... ever
usagioop: no, doesnt ring a bell
Rick8675: peace for sure
- - - - - next next day - - - - - - -
Rick8675: yup
usagioop: you know youre lame right?
usagioop: how many screennames did you make to talk to me before i shut it down?
Rick8675: not enough
usagioop: youve never had a chance with me, get over it. youre too weird to ever get a human being to be with you. did mommy not love you enough?
Rick8675: fuck yo bitch (again...)
usagioop: take me off your buddy list
Rick8675: ha
usagioop: fine
- - - - - - - - end- - - - - - - - - -

then i set it to buddylist only. asshole. im surprised he didnt know where i am or call me, my infos in my buddy profile. my other stalker hasnt called either. which is awesome.


QUOTES:

"its like that time i had donald trump hair." - boris

"shes gonna be dead by the end of the quarter" -jeremy
sam was rocking in her chair (they rock) and i wanted to see if i could flip it backwards. so i tipped backwards onto the bed and got stuck under that chair, which prompted his comment.

"yea, they were all in our faces like 'get off our floor you fuckin fuck fucker!' and we were like, 'hey, we just want our cart." - matt
"its all in good fun til the nerd start sayin fuck and steve starts kicking little girls" -me
CSH battle (my rooms the U), they instegated by destroying pinky and throwing it at steve
 "you guys didnt back me up!" steve went after cart #2 alone

"i dont get service (phone) out here." - sam
"but your boyfriend lives like a mile away" - me

"a bad idea would be to bowl the cart into a crowd of deaf people." - james instegating

james - but still. its a sex toy!
me - its not like i can use it! its decoration.
matt - can i get a giant dildo and hang it from the ceiling?
james - no. because you can use that.

james - ive got ambulance duty friday
mike - haha. you said doody.

*on the elevator*
me - what a bunch of dorks! (cover my mouth)
sam - dont say that! youll offend someone.
some guy laughing - its true. especially here. you know that.

someone: lets ride!
matt: its lets roll.
someone: were not riding?

mike: want to play poker?
me: whats the buy in?
mike: $5
me: i dont have any cash.
mike: i take... tigerbucks.

steve: free ben and jerry's!
francis: free ben and jerry's? is that what that was? free ben and jerry's?
steve: hell yeah free ben and jerry's!
francis: i want free ben and jerry's!
sam: is it just me or did someone say ben and jerry's like 500 times?
me: i think it was just you.

jeremy: of all the people i could get stuck across from
(he meant cause me and sam are obnoxiously funny)
me: what? people with vaginas? yes, you are very luck!

brian: do you sell your paintings?
me: no. my paintings arent "products" you bourgeoisie bastard!

mike: i havent been wearing my rubbers
me: ummm... you should prolly tell the girl.
mike: the arm bands! i meant rubber arm bands!

too many fun times to remember all the quotes though.

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contemplated existance at 12:32 PM

8.22.2005

12:06 AM

OH DONT YOU PUT ME ON THE BACKBURNER

lately, ive let things slide a little too far. i stopped being as tidy. my room is more and more disasterous every day and its really starting to get to me. i just dont feel the need to clean it since im leaving in six days. yeah thats right, six days. i cant wait to leave. im so sick of waiting for it to come, i just want the day to be here and i just want to start school. its not that i havent been having fun here; ive had some pretty magnificent times this summer. im just so anxious to see what its like, the classes, the living in a dorm and the things to do out in rochester, not to mention having even more freedom. the anticipation is keeping me up at night. yeah, im losing sleep over this but its alright because i dont really need sleep anyways.
anyway, i need to start the final packing, i need to figure out what it is already that i have, and i need to organize. i still need more clothes, but im not sure what yet (some of you may think i dont need any more clothes, but youre fucking dead wrong!!!!!). it was annoying trying to figure out what to buy, so, i decided to wait until later. im not a fan of the jeans/hoodie/flip-flop look that ive heard college girls do, but i guess it doesnt really matter anymore. it sounds stupid, but im there for the learning, not to make a fashion satement. soo, bring on the flip flops! hahaha!

 LETS GET SOME "HOME-DOGS" SO WE CAN LOOK COOL WHEN WE DANCE AND ALWAYS HAVE BACKUP.

p.s. who wants to go to canada on my birthday?


with everyone lost
the battle is won
with all these things
that i have done

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contemplated existance at 12:06 AM

8.11.2005

7:50 PM

oh. my. god.

briantaytayolay: hey
usagioop: what?
briantaytayolay: i kant decide what to eat
briantaytayolay: help!!!!!
usagioop: *can't
usagioop: and you want sushi
briantaytayolay: :'(
briantaytayolay: yesh but i dont know where to buy it around here
usagioop: well what do you want, I'm psychic; not Mapquest
briantaytayolay: lol
briantaytayolay: i dunno
briantaytayolay: think of somthing
briantaytayolay: yay idea : dun du du dun ill order a pizza
briantaytayolay: uhh o i dont know how tho mi parents usually do it for me
usagioop: you... dont know how to order a pizza...
briantaytayolay: uhh no y would i say i dont if i do??
usagioop: you. don't know. how to order. a pizza.
briantaytayolays: NO! y do u ask the same thing???
usagioop: that...
usagioop: that is the most moronic thing ive ever heard
briantaytayolay: aw fuck u
briantaytayolay: so do u know how or not
usagioop: you look for dominos or something in the phone book. use this nifty thing i like to call a phone to order a small medium or large pizza with whatever you want on it, give them your address and then pay them when they get there.
usagioop: its not rocket science
briantaytayolay: ya but whats the # i dont use fone books
usagioop: uhhh
usagioop: i live in williamson
usagioop: you live in pemberton
briantaytayolay: so?
usagioop: the numbers. theyre different.
briantaytayolay: find the pemberton fone book
usagioop: i dont have the pemberton phone book, i live in williamson


at first i thought he was high, but it turns out brians 13 yr old brother stayed the weekend with him, thus this hilarious racking of my nerves.

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contemplated existance at 7:50 PM

8.04.2005

12:40 AM

who said that i wasnt right? ive lived for years without a life. dont have a soul on my side. still ridiculed despite how hard that i have tried. dont take me under your wing, i dont need a hand, dont need anything. ive got a roof over my head as if id rather be alone with me instead. close yet far. drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are. and ill tip my hat to those who cant believe its me. and i never never never ever wanted this to be. i can hear the sounds of the city. sunrise and set are the same to me. a hesitating pulse is good company, and my reflection offers no apology...close yet far. drop me a line and tell me how the hell you are. and ill think of days when there was something to believe. and i never never never ever wanted this to be...

so ive basically just been hearing about heartbreak this past week. rach told me she couldnt sleep or eat, crazy cause thats how i was feeling last week. though i couldnt cry for some reason, even when i thought about him with her. maybe it wasnt heartbreak afterall. cause im pretty mellow right now. i think im going to be ok, though i feel like im missing a giant piece of something. i trusted him so much and we used to talk for hours. but no more remenissing, time to watch movies and get fat.

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contemplated existance at 12:40 AM

7.30.2005

5:10 PM

& MEXICO CAN FUCKING WAIT

they say that when you recieve things out of nowhere you appreciate them more.

ill admit that towards the beginning of this summer i was feeling quite miserable. i didnt know what to do with myself and this realization that i would soon be leaving my hometown family behind was sinking in after graduation. i felt kind of trapped in my life, when i should have been living it and enjoying the time that i had left here. well i work everyday and have plenty of time to think, and it suddenly hit me. this is the first step of my life on my own, and i should make of it when i want to make of myself. why was i wasting this time trying to be something that im not, impressing people not worthy of impression, befriending people not worthy of befriending, forcing myself to love personalities i despised; people who i couldnt tolerate, and just plain getting wasted to get wasted? because that is what you do in high school. you act out the part handed to you whether it be the morning person, the bitch, the two faced liar, the scum of the universe, and the one who everyone knew wasnt all "with it". you drink, smoke, sex, fool around, and get busted. you make a fool of yourself alone or with your friends. you say things you dont mean. you mean to say things that will never be said. you keep secrets, you let people go. supposed "true friends" walk in and out of your life frequently. you stick to a few. you could give a damn what happens to the rest of them. you have the "worst day of my life" or the "best day ever". you make the biggest mistake. you make the same mistake twice, three times, or youre making it right now.

i was not the best person in high school. i feel like some feelings were created by me forcing them rather than actually feeling them from inside. and that sounds dumb as hell, but seriously, how many of us have said "i love you" and can honestly say weve meant it? not very many. when youre in love you dont accuse, you dont physically hurt eachother, you could never cheat, you can look into eachothers eyes and just enjoy it. i made love up, artificially, many times. and im done with artificial high school love, and im sorry that i ruined many lives and broke some hearts. and that was mean of me, but hey, its over. high school life, and there is no way to fix it. ive been hurt too. and all of this is not saying i was not nice to people, i definitely was, just saying for myself. to be honest i couldnt stand large amounts of people, but was nice to them because i had to see them everyday for 180+/- days out of 4 years. it felt like a task or a job rather than a personality. i just want to share some experience with those of us who need some advice. who are feeling nervous. who need to grasp onto every moment they have left before its time to begin this said "new chapter".

now more than ever you need to appriciate the simplicities of every day living. weekends arent going to be extravagent affairs all the time. notice how people laugh or talk and use it against them. i swear to god its so worth it. notice how people carry themselves and be slow to judge. if you get an idea in your head early about someones personality, you might as well stick your head under ground and check that out. nothing? you bet. im rambling.

dont read on. its not worth it, you wont understand.
you, however. you will.

never in my life have i ever felt so comfortable with someone so early. i can ask you anything and not feel subject to strangeness or questioning answers. i know that we did something right because everything feels like its felt like this for years. i see everything through your eyes now. i see things that are meant to be. i see love for myself and for others. i see truth and intelligence and promise of future. i feel like i can be comfortable for a long time. and its a rare feeling. i dont want to ever look any further than you. i love your personality, the fact that you love your life and are grateful for everything that comes your way, the fact that you love her. youre the most beautiful person in the world and i look forward to hopefully many years of friendship, even if your heart doesnt lay with me.

okay, good stuff.

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contemplated existance at 5:10 PM

7.27.2005

4:16 PM

LIKE I GIVE A SHIT

youre more punk, hardcore, mod, straightedge, emo, indie, than me. your hair is cooler, your pants are tighter, you have more tattoos. you have cooler pins on your messenger bag, and your favorite band is more obscure than mine. your shoes are more vintage, and so is your tshirt. you own more black clothes than me. i dont even own a trucker cap, OR a denim jacket. your glasses are thicker and blacker than mine, the plugs in your ears are bigger. you know more people in bands, and your black jelly bracelets are the envy of scenesters everywhere. your photography is blacker and whiter, your Facebook profile is wittier, and you have much better soul records. your tie is whiter or redder or blacker. your scene points are double perhaps triple mine. because as we all know, thats what really matters. in a scene where the music has taken a backseat to the haircuts, you win and i lose.

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contemplated existance at 4:16 PM

7.21.2005

2:32 PM

"ok obi-wan"

"Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
-Yoda

desire leads to frustration. frustration leads to anger. anger leads to hate. hate leads to suffering. is desire also the path to the dark side? isnt fear just a negative desire, a desire to avoid, to prevent, to do away with. fear is a nihilistic desire. want is a positive desire, to posses, to obtain, to reach for. But don't both fear and want lead to the same type of suffering? lets just take a moment to clarify that by fear and want we are not talking about the fear we feel when weve jogged up into a moment of direct eye contact with a mountain lion in an open field or the want we might get when weve gotten a bit parched. or are we talking about exactly those fears and wants? but can a person live absent of those fears and wants? seems a bit like when a person looses all sense of feeling in their hands, they dont like it much. or maybe like the genius who forgets to groom themselves and eat because they are preoccupied with their thoughts. sure it happens, people can do it, but is that what you and i were made for? is it all just fear and desire then suffering, good and evil then suffering?

i digress.

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contemplated existance at 2:32 PM

7.11.2005

3:42 PM

more fun with mj

brian: i was taking a bath with my son the other day.. and he said.. "daddy why is my penis different than yours?".. and i said.. "because yours isnt erect"

haha! were so bad! but that isnt half as bad as the shirt im buyin next week:


im gonna get shot, lol! but i definately decided against this one:
hahaahahaha! oh my sides hurt. i love bad shirts... and in college i can wear them!

ah what the hell, heres the rest of the ones im buyin:


you cant have manslaughter without laughter

and my personal favorite:

you must be this long to ride. lol!

"i taught your girlfriend that thing you like" was another favorite, but i was too lazy to copy it cause im not buying it. they ran out of colors for me.

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contemplated existance at 3:42 PM

6.23.2005

8:20 PM

i think the truth is i'm everything i hate





flat rocks and floating bottles.
duck ponds and raindrops.
phone calls and cracked voices.
unsure thoughts and hopeful promises.
dark night skies and cold park benches.
wishes on stars never come true.






last night was one of the hardest nights of my life.





if it didn't mean anything, then what's making this so hard




everything is so messed up now.
i won't make a promise that i know i can't keep.
things aren't any easier for me than they are for either of you.
i'm not done.
i'm not walking away.
i'm not letting this go.
i'm stepping aside, for everyone's sake. and just giving it a rest for now.
and i hope, for your sake, that you can appreciate that.























i'll lock myself alone in a room
drink until the clock strikes noon
with just a pen, a pill, and some paper
and maybe i will write a sad song
or another cliche poem
of the person that i long to be

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contemplated existance at 8:20 PM

6.15.2005

8:25 PM

gaaaaah

He's not perfect and you aren't either, and the two of you will never be perfect, but if he can make you laugh when you don't even want to smile, and make you feel like you mean the world to him, hold onto him & give him the most you can. He is probably not going to quote poetry, he might not be thinking about you every second of the day, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you can break. So don't hurt him, don't change him & don't expect more than he can give. Don't over analyze ANYTHING, forgive quickly and love always. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, cry when he makes you sad, and miss him when he's not there. . . And always make sure he knows how much you love him.

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contemplated existance at 8:25 PM

5.16.2005

3:09 PM

one year

i wrote a story in honor of my one year anniversary tomorrow. tiny little thing, but you can go read it if you want. i cant believe its been a year since i shot up, branded, cut, or stabbed myself. it was such a hard time, but looking back on it, it was never worth it. theres never a good reason to hurt yourself no matter what shit youve been through or how much is wrong in your life. looking back i only made it worse. now instead of being a masochist as punishment for what i thought i did wrong, my punishment for being a masochist is having to explain to the people that love me what i did. i will carry these scars forever, and i have to deal with that. i was lucky to have people that cared for me enough to make me realize that i dont have to do that shit. convince me to stay alive alittle longer and not make presumptions that the rest of life will be as hard. i have people to talk to or i can have a good fucking cry. god, i cant believe how i didnt cry since like my freshman year, then all of a sudden im bawling on hillary's shoulder. times like these make me miss her because i know she really did care for me. i fought with her because i thought she was getting something out of "saving me"... but she is a good person, and thats another regret that ill have to live with. and thats growing up, knowing where to draw the line. this has been the best year of my life in williamson, and i owe it all to my sister and my friends. i said i regret hurting myself... but i dont. i learned from it, i fucking enlightened myself. there are only so many things that you can experience in life... and i did them in one year. people do the shit i did last year all the time, but they dont have people to care for them and tell them they deserve better. difference is i almost died... but i didnt and i had to suffer the aftermath. coming back from that is worse than any death, but mostly on my parents. i felt horrible about that. all my fuck ups, all my mistakes. theyve always been there. and there i was dying right in front of them. what a horrible thing to do to your parents, to anyone. ive seen death, and i shouldve been more considerate knowing someone would find me. its a horrible situation. i hope to god none of my friends ever have a drug problem, because its not fair. i was unfair. i treated everyone like shit and dug myself a big fucking hole. and for that im sorry. not for anything else. im through appologizing. ive paid my debt and im clean. and im fucking happy. thats more than enough for anyone. next year i get to leave this all behind. my baby knows im clean and anyone who doesnt accept me because of my external wear and tear doesnt deserve to know me. plus i dont need to beat myself up tryin to get anyone to like me. if you need help, ask. ask anyone you love or me if needbe. dont be a cunt like i was.

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contemplated existance at 3:09 PM

5.04.2005

7:58 PM

davie!

When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
and each time you think of me I know you'll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I'd always thought I didn't want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do,
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for awhile,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I'd miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I've promised you".
Today for life on earth is past but here it starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last,
and since each day's the same day, there's no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful, so trusting, and so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won't you take my hand and share my life with me?
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

 wow, what a weirdass week. me and gerk have been inseperable, ive only talked to mike once (i have no idea what hes thinking). we bought flowers for dave and went to see him on his birthday. someone made a really nice cross for him and soddered his initials in it. we got there 5 hours before it was schedualed so we wouldnt have to deal with the overly sentiment and id feel intrusive if wayne and rachel were there. wow this month is flying by and im still holding onto shit. im not ready to say goodbye to my children. *sniffle*. ive been so nostalgic, i just cant seem to come to grips with the present as much as the past. its so fuckin hard and idk what the hell im going to do. RIT should feel like a second home, but i keep getting afraid that ill feel empty there. no more thinking!

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contemplated existance at 7:58 PM

5.03.2005

2:22 PM

"i was so close i couldve licked em!... now im regretful..." -ami


"i dont like going anywhere by myself!" -allicia
"i think you have a complex." -me
"me? youre the one with the complex!" -allicia
"WHAT?" -me
"yea, miss i-always-have-to-be-in-the-middle!" -allicia

yea... i do always have to be in the middle...


i miss shawn... and ryan... and its davies birthday tomorrow and i miss him too. havent thought about it in a while... damnit.

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contemplated existance at 2:22 PM

5.01.2005

9:05 PM

PrOmEnAdE 2thousand5

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

"i wanted the disease to be my punishment. he kept going and i didnt tell him the condom broke."
"i am lost and no one is looking for me."


*pRoM* '05

"...and then i punched him in the head" limo driver: to protect and serve... us

"ill give you 10 bucks if you dance with the groom!" hallie owes me 10 bucks! ha!

"why are you rubbing your ass on my crotch?" - nick learnin to grind "youre such a doofus! *snort*" - nick ruinin our slow dance (PS - nicks a jerk :-P)

"i love it when someone is so genuinely happy that they can just throw their head back and laugh in jubilation." - fox

"NO! she was talking! let her go! i was gonna but in but we just got her goin!" - fox

im such a mellowdramtist. im torn between whether i shoulda stayed with the kids besides going to RIT. it was nice to see him again but he was awfully tired by the time we got there. at least sare got to be with jonas and i met two other hilarious kids from there. i have a smart boy fetish... i had no idea what they were talking about half the time and made them explain it. why is this so hard? i dont want to be hurt anymore, so i push people away. damn... pardon my offtopicness. i miss him.

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contemplated existance at 9:05 PM

4:59 PM

prom = dissapointing
but on the otherhand, i love him
his love for me = dissapointing




"Its only when you lose everything, that youre free to do anything." -Fight Club

"For a moment I wished that I, too, could be a lesbian. Then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it." -Queer as Folk

"I dont care who you are, if you walk on water, youre going to scare the fish!" -Jeff

"We prefer to be called Buccaneer-Americans"
"Jersey girls aint trash... trash gets picked up!" -Brian

"Shake what Ms Shephard gave you!" -Steve

"You can get away with it because you have hot boobs"
"Theres a little man in my throat" -Rach

"I cant even get pregnant accidentally! *pause* Im so lonely..." -Allicia

"It smells like you out there. I almost died." -Lindsey

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contemplated existance at 4:59 PM

3.29.2005

2:12 AM

i'll spit at the stars for every hope and every wish that never made it.

waste away all of these worries at the bottles bottom
rot them away realize why you've got 'em
scream the lines you meant to find so long ago
but now its too late to break down
in your bathroom you're bleeding out
Yeah, I might feel defeated,
And I might hang my head,
I might be barely breathing,
But I'm not dead
'Cause tomorrow's another day
And I am not afraid
So bring on the rain

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contemplated existance at 2:12 AM

3.25.2005

1:18 PM

vegetarianism

"Auschwitz begins whenever someone looks at a slaughterhouse and thinks: They're only animals." -Theodor Adorno-

yea, this shit makes me cry. i wish i could do more than just not eat animals. i know like 3 vegetarians. thats sick.

Unseen they suffer
Unheard they cry
In agony they linger
In loneliness they die

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." -Gandhi-

"The animals of the world exist for their own reasons. They were not made for humans any more than black people were made for whites or women were for men." -Alice Walker-

"Its a matter of taking the side of the weak against the strong, something the best people have always done." -Harriet Beecher Stowe-

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contemplated existance at 1:18 PM

3.19.2005

10:09 PM

idk where i get this shit, just let me run with it.

"so this is kind of akquard, but after my little public service announcement ill let you get on with 1st period and the rest of youre lives. but first, i have to say how important it is that you be safe, visit the doctor anytime that something is wrong, or else thingsll get worse. two months ago i started getting severe headaches. no big deal, right? until two weeks ago i was at 10 pills an hour with no relief. i went expecting them to tell me i was under too much stress and give me prescription pain relievers. wrong. there was a factor of stress involved, true, but it was pressure on my brain. the doctors told me it was too late. i waited too long, put off going to the doctor, and because i could not find time in my, what seemed to be, busy schedual, i wont have time or a future. ok, im getting a bit dramatic so ill wrap it up. i have a gigantic brain tumor in my right hemisphere. i shouldve figured something three weeks ago when i couldnt even lay my head down to sleep. i really dont know why im up here today, besides the fact that it would be more painful for me to talk to my friends individually, i just wanted to shoot it out in the open and kill any rumors. theyre going to try to remove in a few days, but incase that doesnt work or makes me worse, i want you to know that i am dying. not like with dave this fall whom was a big suprise. not that i can compare myself to dave, but i dont know if i like knowing i only have a few months to live or just not waking up... i dont know where im going with this, but if anyone needs to talk, im here, i always have been good at giving advise. so if you want any, you better get it now! thats a little humor for you. other than that i dont know what to say. i love the majority of you and though i wish i wouldve made it to college, this is the next best thing. ill always wish for more, but you all still have your whole lives ahead of you, so make the most of it. thank you."

daydreaming. its a hellofa time. this came from finding out kieera has aids and me and nick talking about brain tumors. woo boy. oh, btw, my internets up again and my computers in tip-top shape incase you hadnt noticed. enjoy. all that is allie.

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contemplated existance at 10:09 PM

3.17.2005

4:56 AM

have you ever...

Bought everyone in the pub a drink.
Swam with wild dolphins.
Climbed a mountain.
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive.
Been inside the Great Pyramid.
Held a tarantula.
Taken a candlelit bath with someone.
Said 'I love you' and meant it.
Hugged a tree.
Done a striptease.
Bungee jumped.
Visited Paris.
Watched a lightning storm at sea.
Stayed up all night long to watch the sun rise.
Seen the Northern Lights.
Gone to a huge sports game.
Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables.
Touched an iceberg.
Slept under the stars.
Changed a baby's diaper.
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon.
Watched a meteor shower.
Gotten drunk on champagne.
Given more than you can afford to charity.
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope.
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment.
Had a food fight.
Bet on a winning horse.
Taken a sick day when you're not ill.
Asked out a stranger.
Had a snowball fight.
Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can.
Held a lamb.
Organized and planned a surprise party for a loved one.
Taken a midnight skinny dip.
Taken an ice cold shower.
Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar.
Seen a total eclipse.
Ridden a roller coaster.
Hit a home run.
Fit three weeks miraculously into three days.
Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking.
Adopted an accent for an entire day.
Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment.
Had two hard drives for your computer.
Visited all 50 states.
Loved your job for all accounts.
Taken care of someone who was really sick.
Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
Have amazing friends.
Danced with a stranger in a foreign country.
Watched wild whales.
Stolen a sign.
Backpacked in Europe.
Taken a road-trip.
Rock climbing
Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice.
Midnight walk on the beach.
Sky diving.
Visited Ireland.
Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love.
In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them.
Visited Japan.
Bench pressed your own weight.
Milked a cow.
Alphabetized your cds.
Pretended to be a superhero.
Sung karaoke.
Lounged around in bed all day.
Protested something you feel strongly against.
Scuba diving.
Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye.
Kissed in the rain.
Played in the rain.
Gone to a drive-in theater.
Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
Started a business.
Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog.
Dropped Windows in favor of something better.
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken.
Toured ancient sites.
Taken a martial arts class for like 7 years.
Swordfought for the honor of a woman.
Played a DVD for more than 6 hours straight.
Been in a movie.
Crashed a party.
Loved someone you shouldn't have.
Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy.
Gotten divorced. (kinda...)
Started an office war.
Gone without food for 5 days.
Made cookies from scratch.
Won first prize in a costume contest.
Ridden a gondola in Venice.
Gotten a tattoo.
Rafted the Snake River.
Been on television news programs as an "expert".
Got flowers for no reason.
Made out in a public place.
Got so drunk you don't remember anything.
Been addicted to some form of illegal drug.
Performed on stage.
Recorded music.
Eaten shark.
Drank an entire 6 pack by yourself.
Gone to Thailand.
Seen Siouxsie live.
Bought a house.
Been in a combat zone.
Buried one/both of your parents.
Shaved all of your hair off.
Been on a cruise ship.
Spoken more than one language fluently.
Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone.
Bounced a check.
Performed in theatre.
Read - and understood - your credit report.
Raised children.
Taken a bicycle tour in a foreign country.
Found out something significant that your ancestors did.
Called or written your Congress person.
Picked up and moved to another city to just start over.
Walked the Golden Gate Bridge.
Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking.
Had an abortion.
Had plastic surgery.
Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
Held someone while they were having a flashback.
Piloted an airplane.
Pet a stingray.
Broken someone's heart.
Helped an animal give birth.
Been fired or laid off from a job.
Won money on a T.V. game show.
Broken a bone.
Killed a human being.
Gone on an African photo safari.
Ridden a motorcycle.
Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100km/h.
Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced.
Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol.
Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild.
Ridden a horse.
Had major surgery.
Ridden on a passenger train.
Had a snake as a pet.
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.
Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing.
Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours.
Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states.
Visited all 7 continents.
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days.
Eaten kangaroo meat.
Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
Been a sperm or egg donor.
Eaten sushi.
Had your picture in the newspaper.
Had 2 healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime.
Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about.
Gotten someone fired for their actions.
Gone back to school.
Parasailed.
Changed your name.
Petted a cockroach.
Eaten fried green tomatoes.
Read The Iliad.
Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read a book by them.
Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, or cups because your apartment needed them.
Taught yourself an art from scratch.
Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt.
Skipped all your school reunions.
Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language.
Been elected to public office.
Written your own computer language.
Thought to yourself that you're living your dream.
Had to put someone you love into hospice care.
Built your own PC from parts.
Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you.
Had a booth at a street fair.
Dyed your hair.
Been a DJ.
Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal.
Written your own role playing game.
Been arrested.
Hated someone.

jump on the bandwagon... id i mention im bored?

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contemplated existance at 4:56 AM
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