& MEXICO CAN FUCKING WAIT
they say that when you recieve things out of nowhere you appreciate them more.
ill admit that towards the beginning of this summer i was feeling quite miserable. i didnt know what to do with myself and this realization that i would soon be leaving my hometown family behind was sinking in after graduation. i felt kind of trapped in my life, when i should have been living it and enjoying the time that i had left here. well i work everyday and have plenty of time to think, and it suddenly hit me. this is the first step of my life on my own, and i should make of it when i want to make of myself. why was i wasting this time trying to be something that im not, impressing people not worthy of impression, befriending people not worthy of befriending, forcing myself to love personalities i despised; people who i couldnt tolerate, and just plain getting wasted to get wasted? because that is what you do in high school. you act out the part handed to you whether it be the morning person, the bitch, the two faced liar, the scum of the universe, and the one who everyone knew wasnt all "with it". you drink, smoke, sex, fool around, and get busted. you make a fool of yourself alone or with your friends. you say things you dont mean. you mean to say things that will never be said. you keep secrets, you let people go. supposed "true friends" walk in and out of your life frequently. you stick to a few. you could give a damn what happens to the rest of them. you have the "worst day of my life" or the "best day ever". you make the biggest mistake. you make the same mistake twice, three times, or youre making it right now.
i was not the best person in high school. i feel like some feelings were created by me forcing them rather than actually feeling them from inside. and that sounds dumb as hell, but seriously, how many of us have said "i love you" and can honestly say weve meant it? not very many. when youre in love you dont accuse, you dont physically hurt eachother, you could never cheat, you can look into eachothers eyes and just enjoy it. i made love up, artificially, many times. and im done with artificial high school love, and im sorry that i ruined many lives and broke some hearts. and that was mean of me, but hey, its over. high school life, and there is no way to fix it. ive been hurt too. and all of this is not saying i was not nice to people, i definitely was, just saying for myself. to be honest i couldnt stand large amounts of people, but was nice to them because i had to see them everyday for 180+/- days out of 4 years. it felt like a task or a job rather than a personality. i just want to share some experience with those of us who need some advice. who are feeling nervous. who need to grasp onto every moment they have left before its time to begin this said "new chapter".
now more than ever you need to appriciate the simplicities of every day living. weekends arent going to be extravagent affairs all the time. notice how people laugh or talk and use it against them. i swear to god its so worth it. notice how people carry themselves and be slow to judge. if you get an idea in your head early about someones personality, you might as well stick your head under ground and check that out. nothing? you bet. im rambling.
dont read on. its not worth it, you wont understand.
you, however. you will.
never in my life have i ever felt so comfortable with someone so early. i can ask you anything and not feel subject to strangeness or questioning answers. i know that we did something right because everything feels like its felt like this for years. i see everything through your eyes now. i see things that are meant to be. i see love for myself and for others. i see truth and intelligence and promise of future. i feel like i can be comfortable for a long time. and its a rare feeling. i dont want to ever look any further than you. i love your personality, the fact that you love your life and are grateful for everything that comes your way, the fact that you love her. youre the most beautiful person in the world and i look forward to hopefully many years of friendship, even if your heart doesnt lay with me.
okay, good stuff.
ill admit that towards the beginning of this summer i was feeling quite miserable. i didnt know what to do with myself and this realization that i would soon be leaving my hometown family behind was sinking in after graduation. i felt kind of trapped in my life, when i should have been living it and enjoying the time that i had left here. well i work everyday and have plenty of time to think, and it suddenly hit me. this is the first step of my life on my own, and i should make of it when i want to make of myself. why was i wasting this time trying to be something that im not, impressing people not worthy of impression, befriending people not worthy of befriending, forcing myself to love personalities i despised; people who i couldnt tolerate, and just plain getting wasted to get wasted? because that is what you do in high school. you act out the part handed to you whether it be the morning person, the bitch, the two faced liar, the scum of the universe, and the one who everyone knew wasnt all "with it". you drink, smoke, sex, fool around, and get busted. you make a fool of yourself alone or with your friends. you say things you dont mean. you mean to say things that will never be said. you keep secrets, you let people go. supposed "true friends" walk in and out of your life frequently. you stick to a few. you could give a damn what happens to the rest of them. you have the "worst day of my life" or the "best day ever". you make the biggest mistake. you make the same mistake twice, three times, or youre making it right now.
i was not the best person in high school. i feel like some feelings were created by me forcing them rather than actually feeling them from inside. and that sounds dumb as hell, but seriously, how many of us have said "i love you" and can honestly say weve meant it? not very many. when youre in love you dont accuse, you dont physically hurt eachother, you could never cheat, you can look into eachothers eyes and just enjoy it. i made love up, artificially, many times. and im done with artificial high school love, and im sorry that i ruined many lives and broke some hearts. and that was mean of me, but hey, its over. high school life, and there is no way to fix it. ive been hurt too. and all of this is not saying i was not nice to people, i definitely was, just saying for myself. to be honest i couldnt stand large amounts of people, but was nice to them because i had to see them everyday for 180+/- days out of 4 years. it felt like a task or a job rather than a personality. i just want to share some experience with those of us who need some advice. who are feeling nervous. who need to grasp onto every moment they have left before its time to begin this said "new chapter".
now more than ever you need to appriciate the simplicities of every day living. weekends arent going to be extravagent affairs all the time. notice how people laugh or talk and use it against them. i swear to god its so worth it. notice how people carry themselves and be slow to judge. if you get an idea in your head early about someones personality, you might as well stick your head under ground and check that out. nothing? you bet. im rambling.
dont read on. its not worth it, you wont understand.
you, however. you will.
never in my life have i ever felt so comfortable with someone so early. i can ask you anything and not feel subject to strangeness or questioning answers. i know that we did something right because everything feels like its felt like this for years. i see everything through your eyes now. i see things that are meant to be. i see love for myself and for others. i see truth and intelligence and promise of future. i feel like i can be comfortable for a long time. and its a rare feeling. i dont want to ever look any further than you. i love your personality, the fact that you love your life and are grateful for everything that comes your way, the fact that you love her. youre the most beautiful person in the world and i look forward to hopefully many years of friendship, even if your heart doesnt lay with me.
okay, good stuff.
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contemplated existance at 5:10 PM
